


Stay for me. Stay for Chris

by East02End



Category: EastEnders
Genre: M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:02:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22992892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/East02End/pseuds/East02End
Summary: An anon asked me to write one of them trying to talk the other down from trying to commit suicide.I know this may be a sensitive subject to some, so please do not read this if you will be affected in any way.This one has taken me so long to write. As someone who has been there before, I wasn’t sure whether to do this fic. It has taken me a lot of time and effort, making sure it’s right. I know it’s a fic and it’s not real but just hope that even if it gets through to one person, I’ll have written it with justice.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 1
Kudos: 41





	Stay for me. Stay for Chris

Ben smiled to himself, sending Callum a text. He must be on his lunch break at work by now. 

‘House is free, if you are? I’m on my way there now. X’

He rounded the corner, looking up at the bridge when he saw someone out of the corner of his eye.

“Oh my god...” 

Callum was sat on the edge of the bridge, dangling his legs, closing his eyes, the wind ruffling his hair, making him sway slightly. 

“Callum?! What are you doing up there!” 

Callum opened his eyes at Ben’s voice looking down at him but not saying anything. 

The horror dawning on him, that Callum was going to kill himself. 

“Don’t move.” 

Ben walked a little faster, making his way to the bridge, Callum shuffling closer to the edge. 

“Callum, what are you doing?! Please don’t do anything, just let me come to you.”

Ben spotted Callum’s phone on the floor, underneath the bridge, walking slowly to it. He kept looking up at Callum quickly on his way. 

It was smashed. The screen cracked and the back had fallen off. He must have dropped it or let it go. 

Ben walked backwards slowly, back from under the bridge, looking up at Callum. 

“Why you sitting there for?”

He tried getting Callum to talk to him, instead of thinking about jumping, not working. 

Callum ignored him, looking up at the sky. 

Ben made his way to the bridge, standing behind Callum, not wanting to scare him. 

“Callum stop being silly and get down.” 

Ben walked a little closer.

“No, Ben! Just stop... Just stay there...”

“Okay! Okay, just come away from the edge and we can go home, where your safe...”

“I don’t want to go home!”

“Okay, we’ll go somewhere else then, wherever you want.”

“I want to stay here.”

“You’ll fall Callum, I need you to come to me, please.”

“I’m staying here.”

Ben stood behind Callum not daring to move, incase he scared him. 

Why didn’t he see anything was wrong with Callum? Hadn’t he paid enough attention to what he was really feeling? Why didn’t he realise Callum was hurting, so lost, feeling like this was the only way out? He seemed fine this morning, smiling at him, telling him he loved him, before he left for work. 

“Work... Jay...” Ben whispered to himself. He looked up at Callum, still looking over the edge. 

“Where’s Jay, Callum?”

“Work.”

“Does he know you’ve gone from work? You’ve probably been gone a while now. Does he know where you are?”

“Home.”

“Home? Why would you go home in the middle of the day?”

“Told him I felt ill.”

Jay wouldn’t be looking for him then either. What if he hadn’t saw Callum sitting up there? He might not have found him until it was too late. It still could be too late. 

“Please Cal, just let me help you. Please... look at me.”

“I don’t need help.”

“Yes you do, Callum, yes you do... You can talk to someone, let them help you. You’ve got me too! I want to help. Your not thinking straight!”

“I’m thinking straight, Ben. Everything is so clear now and it’s good.”

“This isn’t good at all! You don’t know what your doing, this is ridiculous, Callum! Please, just come away from the edge.”

“I know what I’m doing! It’s good, Ben. It’s good... I haven’t felt this sure about anything for such a long time and it’s good! If I do this-“

“Don’t. Don’t do it, please. I am begging you Callum. Just don’t do it.”

Callum ignored him, swinging his legs making him rock slightly. 

“If I do this, I know it will all stop. All of it will go away and I’ll be okay. I will better if I do this...”

“You’ll be okay if you don’t do this too, I promise you.”

“You don’t understand...”

“No, I don’t know what your going through but I know what it feels like to be alone, but this isn’t the way, this shouldn’t be your only way out.”

“Just go home, Ben!”

“Do you really think I’m just gonna leave?! When your like this? I’d never ever walk away from you, when your so lost. Please, Callum, listen to me. Just come away from the edge. We can get you help, proper help. But your not alone. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk to someone.”

“I just want it all to go away...”

“I don’t want you to go away, Cal...”

“It’s not like I’ve got many people to stay for.”

“You’ve got me!”

“And the rest? No one would notice I’d gone.”

“Please, Callum, this isn’t you talking. You’ve got loads of family! You’ve got me, Mick and Linda! Jay and Lola! My Mum loves you too, she wouldn’t want you to go. And what about Stuart? He’d want you here and Lexi! She loves you so much. She adores you, Callum. She looks up to you, your her hero.”

Ben stepped a little closer to Callum. “Please just get down from there.”

“No! Just leave me alone, Ben.”

Ben lurched forward when Callum shuffled a little closer to the edge. 

“Get away from me, Ben!”

Ben whined to himself, stepping away, as Callum looked over the edge.

“Please, Callum, don’t do this...”

“Get away from the edge, Ben... Please...”

“See? You don’t want me to fall, but I don’t want you to either, Callum! Please! Just let me help you!”

Ben stood behind Callum, as he shuffled closer to the edge. He just wanted to drag him away from the edge but knew Callum would struggle. He could make it worse and cause him to fall anyway. 

“I’m a terrible person...” Callum whispered to himself. 

“What, no! Your not terrible! At all. Your like the opposite of terrible, Callum. Your amazing! Your the most important person in my life right now and I can’t lose you, Callum, please will you listen to me...”

“I’m a horrible son...” 

Callum wasn’t listening to Ben, to busy swinging his legs, staring in front of him somewhere, whispering to himself. 

“Your not a horrible son, either! You care about everyone, putting everyone else before yourself. Your the most amazing person, Cal.”

“Dad hates me cos of who I am. I’ve never been good enough for him. Mum just left me one day and didn’t come back. It’s my fault she left, I’m a bad person, not good enough for her either...”

“Your a good person, Callum. Kind and loyal and honest and sweet and funny, but you can’t be any of those things if your not here. Your good enough for me, Cal, come on, please! Your more than good enough. Please look at me, I need to see you...”

Callum still wouldn’t look at Ben. Ben couldn’t take much more, watching Callum looking over the edge, terrified he’d let himself fall at any minute. 

“I want to see Chris again. I miss him...”

“Chris? Who’s Chris, Cal?”

Ben spoke softly, not daring to speak any louder, incase it scared Callum. 

He knew Chris had died from the way Callum whined to himself, saying he wanted to see him again. The loss in his voice. One of the reason he wanted to fall. So he could be with Chris. 

“Chris...”

“Yeah? Do you want to get down and you can tell me all about him.”

“No...” Callum whined to himself, squeezing his eyes shut, not helping with the wind making him sway slightly.

“Okay, tell me now. Was he your friend?”

Callum nodded slowly, still not opening his eyes. 

“Okay, Chris was your friend, you miss him don’t you?”

Callum nodded again, looking over the edge again at the ground. 

“Talk to me, Cal. Tell me about Chris.” 

He hoped if he could keep Callum talking he wouldn’t try anything. 

“He wanted to be more than a friend, but I couldn’t. He said he’d wait if I wasn’t ready. He did as well, for so long but I was too selfish to see what was in front of me.”

“Your not a selfish person. You were scared Callum. And it’s okay to be scared sometimes. He must have cared about you alot to wait.”

Ben looked at Callum shivering from the cold, shaking slightly. He just wanted to get him down and somewhere warm but he couldn’t risk him falling if Callum didn’t want him near him. 

“I couldn’t save him in the army cos I wasn’t there. I wish I could have took his place. I lost him, Ben. He’s gone, and I never got to say goodbye...”

“Chris wouldn’t want you to do this would he?”

“He’d want to see me. I want to see him. I need to tell him I’m sorry...”

“Maybe he does want to see you, but not now, you need to live the life he couldn’t. You can’t be sorry for what happened. You said you weren’t there, it wasn’t your fault, Callum. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”

“I could have protected him! Not let him die!”

“He would have wanted to protect you too, he would t have wanted to die...”

Ben took a small step towards Callum, not seeming to notice, too busy shaking, sliding a little closer to the edge. Ben didn’t even know how he was holding himself together, seeing Callum hurting so much, resorting to this. 

“He’d want you to be happy.”

“I will be if I’m with him again...”

“He’d want you to be safe and he’d want to save you from this. Please Callum, just come away from edge.”

Ben stepped a little closer again, Callum not freaking out this time. 

“Who’s gonna make me laugh everyday, eh? Who’s gonna make me happy, because I won’t be without you. Who’s gonna make me smile because I love seeing you smile too? Because you are a beautiful person, Callum, inside and out. Your the one I’ll always love. Who am I gonna love if your not here. I need you Callum.”

Ben stood behind him, rubbing down Callum’s arm, ready to try and hold him if he still tried anything. 

“I just want it all to stop, to go away...”

“Come on, Cal... It will all go away if you come down from there and I let me help you.”

“You can’t make it stop. You can’t...” 

“Stay for me. Stay for Chris. For everyone that loves you...” 

Ben wrapped his arm around Callum, Callum immediately leaning into him. 

“That’s it, come on, let’s get you down.”

Callum shuffled away from the edge towards Ben, holding onto Ben’s arm, wrapped around him. 

Ben pulled them both as far away from the edge as possible, sinking. to the floor with Callum, letting out a shaky breath, Callum sobbing in his arms. 

“Oh god, I love you...” He kissed Callum’s hair over and over. “I love you so much, Callum. I’m sorry, I should have realised something was wrong. I’m so sorry.”

He was so calm when he was sat on the edge, so sure he wanted to die and now he had completely broken down in Ben’s arms, choking out his sobs, struggling to breathe. 

“It’s alright. You’ll be okay. I love you, so so much.”

Ben stroked Callum’s hair away from eyes, trying to calm him down. Callum held onto Ben a little tighter, crying into him. 

“Sshh, your gonna be okay.” Ben kissed the top of Callum’s hair, holding onto him. He still whispered to Callum he loved him over and over, scared he nearly never got to say to him again. 

Ben held on, not wanting to let him go. “I’ll help you, I’m gonna get you help. You’ll let me get you help won’t you?”

Callum shook his head, whining to himself. 

“Nonono! I don’t want anyone else. No, Ben! I don’t want to, I just want you!”

Callum wrapped his arms around Ben, trying to get as close as possible. 

“I know, darlin’ but you need to understand that your ill, Callum. If you won’t get help for yourself, do it for me. Do it for Chris.”

Callum ignored him for a while, sniffing to himself, still whining slightly. 

“Please... I just want you to be okay.”

Callum nodded slowly, looking up at Ben. 

“For you...”

Ben lifted Callum’s chin up gently with his hand, pressing a light kiss to his forehead. 

“Thank you. I’m sorry I didn’t know you were hurting.”

Ben kissed his hair again, resting his forehead against Callum’s, closing his eyes. 

“I’m so sorry, Callum...” He whispered. 

“No...”

Ben pulled away, frowning at Callum. 

“This isn’t your fault, Ben. I never wanted you to blame yourself. I swear you haven’t done anything wrong, you haven’t hurt me or pushed me in any way, you must believe that.”

“But you’ve been hurting for so long and I didn’t even know.”

“I didn’t want you to know, didn’t want you to stop me...”

“I’m sorry for everything you’ve been going through. You can talk to me you know. No matter how low your feeling. I’m here. If I hadn’t have been going to the house, you could still be on the edge or...”

“I’m sorry.” Callum whispered, already regretting hurting Ben, realising what he must have been going through too. 

“Don’t be sorry, I just want you to get better. I want to get you help, it will help if you talk to someone different.”

Callum nodded slowly, still not sure. 

“Chris will be with you too, in your heart, because he loved you and loved him too. He’ll never go away.”

“I never said-“

“I know you never said you loved him, but I know it Callum, I know what it feels like to lose someone.”

He held the side of Callum’s face, trying to keep him warm from being outside too long, stroking him slowly. Callum looked up at him, still sniffing from his tears. 

“And it hurts, I know it does, it breaks you, but I don’t want you ever feeling like this was the only way out. I want you to be safe and happy and to feel loved.”

“I do! I know you love me, but I just couldn’t do it anymore...”

“You can. You can get through this. We will find you help, and I will always be with you because I will never leave and I don’t want you to leave either.”

“I know it sounds silly, but I didn’t want to leave you, I just wanted it to go away, this constant pain inside me.”

“I know, I know...” Ben whispered. He pulled Callum’s head to him, stroking his hair. “You promise me, you’ll let me help?”

Callum nodded slowly, wrapping his arms around Ben a little tighter. 

“Thank you. I love you so much, Cal.”

“I know. I do love you too, you know. I don’t want you to think that I don’t.”

“I know too. I just want you to stay for me. Stay for Chris. I just want you to talk to me, if your feeling low. I don’t want you to fell like you can’t do anything else apart from this. I don’t know what I’d have done if lost you...”

“I’m sorry. I’ll try and talk to you, I will. I’m sorry I’ve made you hurt too, and I’m sorry you would have been so hurt if I’d left you...”

“You haven’t left me, okay? That’s the main thing. Come on, let’s get you out of this cold and somewhere warm, yeah? Then we’ll work out what we do from here.”

Callum nodded, standing up with Ben, throwing his arms around him tightly. 

“I’m sorry...” Callum whispered again, burying his head in Ben’s neck. 

“Don’t be. We’ll get help. From whoever will be able to help. I just want to be here for you. I want YOU to be here.”

Ben kissed the side of Callum’s neck, holding on each other tightly, not wanting to let go. He breathed him in, kissing him again, relieved that he’d still get to do this everyday.

“I love you, Cal...”


End file.
